Summer is over and Fall is here. But hiatus is going… indefinitely.
Back in July, I talked on stream about going on a “proper hiatus” due to family-bonding time with relatives visiting and my seasonal ailments that put me in a bad headspace (because skin issues really do feck with your mood and daily functions, leading to social insecurities when you think people are staring at your ugliness… f*ck eczema). While all of that was true and have already happened, there was another reason that was buried in denial until the “proper hiatus” I’m currently in made me confront it and finally talk about it here, before I go live again for my “last stream of the year” (projected date: Halloween).
I am retiring from streaming.
Many factors played into this decision: I hate the current state of the Internet that’s more focused on churning content for numbers and viral relevancy than sparking creativity, nonsense, and whimsy for the lulz & wtfs that I grew up on with friends. I’m tired of keeping up with trends and memes that just fly over my head now faster than the past 5-10 years of chronically-onlineness. (I might as well accept being called “sheltered” just because I don’o’t want to give most of my attention to virtual slop.) And I’m generally just burnt out from thinking of new ways to upgrade my streams that can keep people’s attention beyond surface-level content. I don’t know what else to do that fits “my brand” of Nefarious anymore, as I’ve come to realize how much Adulthood is changing my interests…
I’m also tired of showing my actual face to strangers online. As much as I appreciate the people who came to my streams to hang out with me because I have “cozy vibes” (with a touch of menace, for the lulz)… Let’s face it: I’m a pretty Asian girly, and there are creepers out there with more tools to feed into their creepiness… No thank you.
Maybe three years is enough to play the role of a small-time Internet personality. “TheNefariousEllie” has been integral to a great portion of my life, long before I used it as a handle for content creating. Sometimes, though, I just want it to go back to being just a silly username than an online brand.
But I don’t regret pursuing this leg of “online prominence” in the first place; streaming was very important to my personal IRL development. There was no other way for me to change my social disposition that didn’t force me to compromise with my comfort or integrity. Becoming a streamer helped me to learn how to interact with people, to listen to my own voice, to improvise or think through my thoughts for speaking them out loud- essentially, I just learned to stop confining myself into a quiet shell and be okay to speak up for myself. I didn’t want to rely on other people to be my vocal advocate; especially as a pretty Asian girly, I speak for myself, on my own behalf.
Stepping away from streaming seems like back-tracking on that sentiment, but it’s more like drawing a boundary for myself, at this stage in my life. Right now, and since the “proper hiatus”, I’ve been reflecting on my direction in life and how dissatisfied I am with how things are going… or not going anywhere that I want to be. I couldn’t bring that to the stream, where I am visibly unhappy and masking for others’ comfort. I can’t do that anymore, in my 30-something mindset.
So… will I eventually come back to streaming?
(Because we should know by now that I tend to break my own rules, as per my Aquarian nature, lol.)
Maybe when my life circumstances are better, i.e., more favorable to me. It will take a long time, but I need to focus on establishing a solid foundation for my livelihood as an Adult while holding onto my inner-child drive for excitement and whimsy. I just want to stop living in this hazy fog and get somewhere with my life, to stop thinking about what I could’ve done better and realize that it’s not too late to turn things around.
This program has ended… But a reboot could happen later.
